How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
