Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
