i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
True strength comes from lack of pants
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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