you're like a bully in the Christmas story
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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