im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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