im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
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