I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
