you lied. pity sex is amazing.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
