if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
