Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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