She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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