I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Randomize
