Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
