Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
