i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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