I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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