apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
