I wish my penis had an off switch
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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