Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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