i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
