In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Randomize
