Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
