She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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