he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
