Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
