I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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