sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
