The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
