I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
