Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
