everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
