i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
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He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
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Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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