I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
