You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
