My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
