I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
