Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
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