Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
