I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
