Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
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