hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
