We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I got inside last night via doggy door
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Pants are for mortals
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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