I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
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I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
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I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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