Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come share oat with me in your robe
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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