i just wanna soil my oats bro
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
