Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
