And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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