Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
