can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.