We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.