he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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