good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
