If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
