fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
