ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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