i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
